Therapist for Codependency in San Francisco

What is Codependency?

When we struggle with codependency we can be experts at taking care of everyone else and have trouble taking care of ourselves and trusting our instincts. It can often feel as if other people are unavailable and do not follow through on promises. And though there is frustration, it feels impossible to leave unhealthy relationships, or ask for the kind of emotional support and connection we need.

When we suffer from codependency we can feel chronically unfulfilled and anxious in our relationships with our partner, family members, friends, or co-workers. We are aware that we avoid conflict in our relationships and experience a profound discomfort at the thought of communicating needs. We prefer to swallow feelings and keep our internal world to ourselves, though at the same time we want to be known and connected with others. We put the needs of others first and feel a deep sense of guilt if we assert our needs.

Codependency often shows up alongside other patterns that can feel equally confusing. You may recognize yourself as a people pleaser — someone who says yes when you mean no, and feels responsible for how everyone around you is feeling. You may notice a tendency toward perfectionism, holding yourself to impossible standards while quietly resenting that no one holds themselves to the same standard for you. You may find yourself drawn to partners or friends who are emotionally unavailable, or realize that your relationships tend to follow a familiar cycle of overgiving, resentment, and withdrawal. These patterns are not character flaws. They are ways you learned to stay safe and connected in a world that did not teach you how to honor your own needs alongside the needs of others.

Roots of Codependency

When you grow up in a family where there is an unspoken agreement not to express feelings, needs, or create emotional conflict, you do the best that you can as a child to uphold these rules. And while you are putting your energy into living by your family’s guidelines, you are not shown helpful ways to express and take care of your needs and experience pleasure without feelings of guilt. Instead you learn not to share your problems and feel ashamed if you have needs.

You learn not to be too assertive and prefer to be indirect in your communication with others. You can feel pressure to be perfect in everything you do. You may learn that to feel safe and in control of your life you need to be the one who is right, responsible, and never needy. You may want more spontaneity in your life, but more often than not you end up being the one who is overly responsible.

These early experiences shape our attachment patterns — the deep, often unconscious ways we relate to closeness and distance with others. If your childhood environment required you to suppress your needs to maintain connection, you may have developed an anxious attachment style, where you crave closeness but feel perpetually insecure about whether it will last. Or you may have learned to rely entirely on yourself, developing a self-sufficiency that looks like independence on the outside but feels like isolation on the inside. Understanding these roots is not about blaming your family. It is about recognizing, with compassion, that you developed these strategies for good reason — and that you now have the capacity to develop new ones.

Codependency Therapy and Recovery

There are many ways that therapy can help you recover from codependent ways of relating and help you build new ways of showing up in relationships. My approach to therapy for codependency is to work together to make your relationships less anxious, more intimate, and more enjoyable. We collaborate in therapy to help you:

  • Learn how to communicate your needs and feelings in safe and connective ways

  • Build helpful emotional boundaries between yourself and others

  • Learn how to tolerate disappointment and conflict in relationships

  • Create realistic expectations of yourself and others

  • Learn what is your responsibility to take care of and what is up to others

  • Build self esteem that does not rely on how well you solve problems for others

  • Stop overextending yourself for the sake of others

  • Learn how to make choices in life based on your own needs

  • Discover how to be more playful and spontaneous in life

  • Learn what brings you joy and pleasure in life and how to receive it

My Approach to Codependency Therapy

I bring a psychodynamic, contemplative and somatic approach to working with codependency that goes beyond changing behaviors on the surface. Codependent patterns live not only in our thoughts, feelings and relationship habits — they live in our bodies. You may notice that your chest tightens when you consider saying no. You may feel a wave of guilt wash through your stomach when you imagine putting your needs first. These are not just emotions. They are deeply held somatic responses that were shaped by years of learning to prioritize others over yourself.

In our work together, I draw on parts work, somatic-based trauma therapy and attachment-based approaches to help you develop a new relationship with these internal experiences. Rather than simply trying to override old patterns with new rules, we slow down and get curious together about what is happening in your body, your emotions, and your relational instincts. This kind of gentle, sustained attention creates the conditions for genuine and lasting change — not the kind of change that comes from willpower, but the kind that comes from truly understanding yourself.

I may invite you to notice what arises in your body when we explore a difficult relational moment, or to experiment with mindfulness practices that help you pause between an old impulse and a new choice. I also draw on expressive arts — including writing and drawing — and meditation if these feel right for your process. My intention is always to help you build an internal sense of security and self-trust that allows you to show up in relationships from a place of wholeness rather than fear.

Frequently Asked Questions About Codependency Therapy

How do I know if I am codependent? You may be experiencing codependency if you consistently put others' needs ahead of your own, have difficulty setting boundaries, feel responsible for other people's emotions, or stay in relationships that leave you feeling drained and unfulfilled. Many people with codependent patterns describe feeling like they have lost themselves in their relationships. If this resonates, therapy can help you reconnect with your own needs and desires.

How long does therapy for codependency take? Codependency develops over a lifetime of relational learning, so healing is a process that unfolds over time. Many clients begin to feel meaningful shifts within the first few months of therapy — a greater ability to pause before saying yes, a growing comfort with setting boundaries, a softening of the inner critic. Deeper transformation of long-held attachment patterns and family-of-origin dynamics typically takes longer, and we work together at the pace that feels right for you.

Can codependency affect my work life? Absolutely. Codependent patterns frequently show up in the workplace as difficulty delegating, overworking to please supervisors or colleagues, avoiding conflict with coworkers, or struggling to advocate for yourself around promotions or compensation. If you are a high achiever, you may notice that your professional success masks the ways codependency is quietly shaping your career and draining your energy. Therapy can help you bring the same discernment and boundaries into your professional life that you are building in your personal relationships.

Is codependency connected to childhood trauma? For many people, yes. Codependency often develops in families where children learn that expressing their own needs threatens their connection to caregivers. This is especially common in families affected by addiction, mental illness, emotional neglect, or other forms of childhood wounding. In therapy, we explore these roots with compassion and care, helping you understand how your early experiences shaped your relational patterns without getting stuck in blame.

Do you offer couples therapy for codependency? I work with both individuals and couples around codependent dynamics. Couples therapy can be especially helpful when both partners recognize that codependent patterns are affecting their intimacy, communication, and ability to navigate conflict. We work together to build a relationship where both partners feel safe enough to be honest about their needs and to grow together.

I can be reached at 415.721.3355 or by email to discuss how we can work together on resolving codependent ways of relating so you can feel fulfilled in relationships and have the skills to take care of yourself. I see clients via telehealth throughout California and in my San Francisco office in Noe Valley at 4155 24th Street, San Francisco, CA 94114.

To learn more about my thoughts and approach to psychotherapy, you can read the articles on my psychotherapy blog.