How do You Talk to Yourself? Learn the Skill of Positive Self-Talk

Why Positive Self-Talk is Critical to Well-being

The Power of How We Speak to Ourselves

Have you ever taken the time to really listen to how you talk to yourself? Are you kind and thoughtful, or more often do you find yourself judgmental and critical? As a psychotherapist in San Francisco, I see how the habit of negative self-talk keeps people stuck in cycles of anxiety, perfectionism, and low self-worth. Learning to shift that internal dialogue can be genuinely transformative. Positive self-talk is one of the most accessible and powerful tools we have for mental well-being, and yet for many of us, it is also one of the hardest to practice.

Learning from Carissa Moore: Positive Self-Talk in Action

Carissa Moore is one of the world’s most skilled surfers with five world champion titles (2011, 2013, 2015, 2019, and 2021) and the winner of the first Olympic gold medal in women's surfing. She is also someone who models how to wrestle with our internal critic and use positive self-talk in skillful ways. I read about Carissa Moore’s struggle to hold herself in positive self-regard in an interview with New York Time’s journalist John Branch. In the interview she expressed in real-time how she uses positive self-talk to disentangle and protect herself from the habit of self-disparagement. 

“It’s something I have to work at every day, looking in the mirror and being, like, ‘You’re good enough, Riss. I’m so proud of you. And you can do this. You can do the things that you dream of.’ I think it’s the beauty and the beast of me, because it guides me to keep pushing and going for more, but at the same point, I struggle with just internal peace sometimes.”

Our internal critics can be deep-rooted and pernicious!

Why Our Inner Critic Is So Persistent

It is a complex process to learn to disarm our Judge, and Carissa Moore shows how positive self-talk is an important antidote. The inner critic often developed in childhood as a way to anticipate and avoid rejection, disappointment, or failure. It became a protective voice, but over time, it can turn into the loudest voice in the room, drowning out self-compassion and self-trust. Unlearning this pattern takes patience, practice, and often the support of a therapeutic relationship where new ways of relating to ourselves can take root.

“It was really, really difficult,” Moore said. “It was really difficult to be, like, hey, you have great arms — they’re great for hugging people. And you have a smile that brightens your room. It was hard. It was hard to give myself that praise. I don’t know why I struggle with it. But I think I’m trying to find those things that are just real and truthful, the things that people can’t take away.”

What Positive Self-Talk Looks Like in Practice

I especially love the last sentence in the above quote because it names a powerful way to cultivate positive-self talk: share things with yourself that are gifts you have that no one can take away from you. And the gifts she list are so simple, yet so powerful; arms for hugging, a bright smile.

Ask yourself, “What are some simple gifts I have?”

“I’m human — I don’t have everything figured out,” she said. “I’m flowing and feeling and learning as I go. I’m following my heart. And the unknown is freaking scary. But I’m also excited…”

I hope her words can inspire all of us to think about how we talk to ourselves and find ways to cultivate an internal dialogue that is rooted in care, compassionate discernment, and love. We have to hang out with ourselves all the time! So we may as well be supportive and thoughtful—which does not mean that we repress, bypass or indulge our hurts—but it does mean that we work on becoming our own best friend.

Frequently Asked Questions About Positive Self-Talk

What is positive self-talk?

Positive self-talk is the practice of intentionally shifting your internal dialogue from nitpicking harsh judgement to compassionate and encouraging. It is not about ignoring difficulties or pretending everything is fine. Rather, it is about learning to speak to yourself with the same kindness and honesty you would offer a close friend so that you acknowledge what is hard while also recognizing your strengths and worth.

How do I stop negative self-talk?

The first step is simply noticing when it happens. Many of us are so accustomed to our inner critic that we do not even register it as a voice, it just feels like the truth. In therapy, we work on developing awareness of these patterns, understanding where they came from, and gradually building a new, more compassionate internal dialogue. It is not about silencing the critic overnight, but about creating space for a kinder voice alongside it.

How Therapy Can Help You Change Your Self-Talk

If you are ready to let go of your internal negative self-talk and find more encouraging and inspiring ways to relate to yourself, I can be reached at 415.721.3355 or by email to discuss how we can work together. You can also read about my approach to therapy.

Fiona Brandon, MPS, MA, LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in Noe Valley, San Francisco, specializing in contemplative and somatic psychotherapy, attachment, relational healing, high-achievers, and therapy for the psychological impact of perimenopause. She serves as core faculty at the Nalanda Institute for Contemplative Science.